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May 23, 2008

Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull of SUCK

I just got back from seeing Indian Jones and the Crystal Skull ... and I am pissed off. I'm not a big Indiana Jones fan by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't like it when movies insult my intelligence. Yeah yeah ... it's a movie ... Indiana Jones isn't real in the first place ... Blah blah, the Holy Grail doesn't exist either ...

Angry spoiler after the break. If you don't want to know the plot and shit-filled ending of the movie, avert thine eyes.

Spoiler below. Click away now or don't say I didn't warn you.


First off, they put Indiana Jones in the middle of a Nuclear Test site in Nevada 60 seconds before detonation. Indy is toast right? Not so fast. Indy thinks fast and locks himself in a lead-lined refrigerator half-a-second before the blast, goes hurtling through the air, and emerges unscathed. Unfuckingbelievable.

Blah blah blah, we meet Shia Lebouf ... he's a punky 50's greaser with a vintage Harley Davidson motorcycle (it's the 50's, so I guess we are to believe it's just a cheap bike). He tells Indy a fantastic story about his mom being kidnapped in a grand plot to find a crystal skull that has to be returned to the infamous lost city of gold! Oh yippee!! Hop to the tired old map with the red-lines for an Indy trip around the world.

Oh ... and have I mentioned that he's being chased by Russians? Some rusky bitch is Indy's arch nemesis in this flick along with an old friend that has turned on Indy. But back to the shitty plot ...

Indy and Mutt (that's what he's called ... I couldn't make this shit up if I tried) find the skull, and it's immediately grabbed by the rusky bitch and the trio goes to camp where we find ... oh let me guess ... Mutt's mom and Indy's old friend who has gone batshit crazy. Oh ... and can we guess who Mutt's mom is? Do I even need to type it ... Yeah ... Her ... From the first Indy movie ... Big surprise there .... Oh ... and by-the-way ... if you haven't figured it out by now ... another big surprise ... Mutt is Indy junior. Didn't see that coming a mile away.

Indy and crew make a daring escape with gun fights, a sword-fight on top of racing cars, and Mutt swinging from the trees like fucking Tarzan, monkeys and all. I shit you not ... more fucking monkeys ... didn't see that coming either ... All of this followed by not one, not two, but three waterfall drops in an amphibious WWII "duck boat" where everyone swims out alive and unscathed. Bravo assholes.

Long story short ... friend betrays him ... then befriends him ... betrays him some more ... and Indy makes it to the ancient city! YES!!! GOLD!! GOLD!!! .... oh ... wait ... that's not gold. IT'S A FUCKING MUSEUM! "They were archaeologists" ... great ... a whole fucking series to find the city of gold and it's a museum. Oh ... but wait ... it gets better.

Not only is it a museum, but the skull they have been lugging around is the skull of an alien with a crystal skeleton that was recovered from a crash site in Roswell, NM. I'm not making it up ... and inside the museum are 12 other alien skeletons that come back to life and open a portal to another dimension when the missing skull is rejoined with it's body. The bad guys are sucked into the other dimension and Indy and crew escape just in time to see the entire temple crumble into pieces. No sooner do the pieces start whirling around in a circular whoosh of air than a giant flying saucer appears, and the aliens fly away.

I'm not making this up folks. Indian Jones finds the ancient city of gold and it's an archaeological museum on top of a flying saucer from another dimension.

I mean ... seriously ... WHAT THE FUCK? I'm just dumbfounded. What in the name of Zeus's holy ass were those fuck-twits thinking when they wrote this hunk of shit? And it's very clever ... they throw just enough bits of reality into the shit quagmire that I have no doubt there are people gullible enough to actually believe this steaming pile of cat vomit as plausible.

George Lucas and Steven Speilberg should have quit while they were ahead. There were a few people disappointed with the last Indy movie, but this is just too much. Hollywood has completely lost it's fucking mind and I don't see it getting any better.

There was a good trailer for HellBoy II before the movie. Hell is something Hollywood does understand, so it looks pretty good.