Last night, I went to the Alamo Drafthouse downtown (greatest theater chain known to man) to see a double feature of Jean Claude VanDamme in BloodSport and JCVD. Included in the pre-movie warm-up was Jean Claude VanDamme playing a queer karate guy in Monaco Forever. Click the link to watch. Do you play sports? Yeesh!
Bloodsport was awesome! The 80's action sequences ... montages ... and horrible acting were so horrible, it was AWESOME! Lots of slow-mo screaming, crazy faces, asian dudes flexing their pecs. All of it was awesome! VanDamme at the apex of his karate movie career.
Then they started JCVD ... where do I begin ... it's an a-typical european art film that focuses on Jean Claude VanDamme. From the trailer, it looked like he was down and out ... lost his wife ... lost his daughter ... broke ... no money ... and forced to rob a bank just to get a little bit of cash. Oh no ... no way man ... that's not what this movie is ... not even close.
Jean Claude doesn't rob a bank. The bank he walks into is being robbed, and they make him the patsy. The make him talk to the cops, and the cops think it's the actions of a desperate man. The whole thing is in French, subtitled in English, and shot with an ungodly amount of filters to make the whole thing look dark and serious. It's so dark, it wouldn't look much different in B&W.
There is this scene in the middle where the chair Jean Claude is sitting in rises up into the stage lights, and he goes on this 8 minute rambling diatribe ... hollywood screwed him ... media doesn't care ... why is he so rich, when others aren't ... and he cries through most of it ... "I'm just not happy ... why do I have to be so successful and rich ... I did drugs ... wah wah WAH ..." It's a mish-mash of the typical liberal whining about how being rich is wrong, the world sucks, life is cruel .... wah wah WAH!!! If I wasn't there with 3 other dudes, I would have walked out right there. I've never walked out of a movie before, but that one was worth it. It only got worse ...
To put it simply, the movie is horrible. It's one of the most horrible things I have had the inhuman displeasure to suffer through. It was worse that watching Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull of suck. I felt like the boys from South Park ... I wanted to run out of the theater crying and throw up on the sidewalk.
When the douchebag from the production company or whatever came back out with his microphone, I boo'd him, gave him the finger with both hands, and left. He did his best to ignore me.